The time to let go, the time to keep it inside, the time to unleash it all

July 28th, 2008

When is the right time for all that?

When is the right time to let everything go? To keep it all inside? Unleash it all, no matter who and how much it hurts?

I've been pondering about that lately, too much for my liking. I've been thinking if I've made the right decisions in the last few months, if my decisions were even relevant, could things that now happened be avoided had I chosen otherwise? I don't know.

I've taken a good grip of myself in the past couple months, but it has a price too. The decisions I've made during that time may have ended a period in my life which I've enjoyed the most, the period where I was truly happy inside - this is something I didn't foresee.

I've been thinking if the decisions I've made were good or not, the short term effects at least are catastrophic, but long term? I don't know. I don't have my engagement ring anymore, I don't know if I'm living here alone in a week, or is my love still here by my side.

I don't know, which is the worst thing I can imagine. Not knowing, it hurts, it hurts more than anything. What if I had chosen to do things differently, would I still feel good, would I still be happy inside and not only outside? Would I be with the one I love now, would I in a year?
Those answers can never be answered, there's no save/load buttons in life no matter how useful they could be.

So what did I do? Is it even relevant? I made things that caused her to lose her confidence in that she could trust me. Would I rather undo them? Probably, but I'm not sure if it would still fix anything.

After talking to few good old friends of mine, they said what I did was what anyone would have done in the same position, she was the one who caused me to do those things, they said.
If I had chosen to do them and keep it to myself, what then, would I still be here in a year and having them still burning my insides out?

That's what I've always done, it has always ended up in tears sooner or later, but this time I think it still might have been better choice, at least for myself. Why? Because the decisions made brought up things I had forgotten, things I thought were the past, things I thought I
had gotten rid of nearly ten years ago.
Yet here they are again, and I don't know what to do anymore, I don't want them back, I don't want the pills back either. Some of my good friends didn't want them ever, they're not here anymore. Am I here tomorrow if I don't go on the same painful road I took nearly ten years ago? I don't know.

Why am I writing this here? I don't know that either, really, I only know that what ever happens to me in future, I at least tried to put my thoughts down, clear it in my own head, clear it with my friends, clear it with who ever might read this and know me. Was writing here wise? Probably not.

Of course this doesn't really tell anyone anything, this is just words on a screen, with no real point in them, there's no thread to follow, there's no real answers or even questions of what actually did happen.

Heck, I don't know if I now re-read this if I understood what I just wrote myself anymore.
But it all still comes down to the topic - how do you know it's the time to let go, the time to keep it inside, the time to unleash it all?

And what if you picked the wrong one?