August 2nd, 2007
Hypocrisy. Let's start with that, shall we?
Again, I got personal experience on how hypocritical the world can be, how hypocritical the users of Futuremark / YouGamers forum users are.
My signature, which you can see at the top of this blog too at slightly different size, has a razorblade in it, and then some blood. Shocking, isn't it? Apparently yes, it was shocking enough for many users to file complaints on it hurting them.
These are the same people which of many play games, where they kill NPCs and in case of multiplayer games, other players characters. Taking into account the realism of todays games, how can the same people who blow characters in games to bits and pieces, glorifying the game more and more the more realistic it's graphics are act like they did now?
Razorblade? with blood? My god, that's hurting my feelings, that's ruining my innocent mind!!
Let's go to the classic, prime example of hypocrisy, this comes from the United States of America ([sarcasm]surprising, isn't it?[/sarcasm])
Everyone probably remembers the good old Janet Jackson scandal, where the other singer (can't remember his name) ripped part of her dress off, revealing one of Janets breasts (with the nipple area still covered, though). Everyone went manic, how can that happen! Why was this allowed! Let's sue them!
Meanwhile probably half of them are perfectly happy with watching hardcore pornography, see just as much of "bare skin" in normal (as in, non-pornographic) magazines, commercials etc.
Makes perfect sense, doesn't it?
Okay, enough of that, I had plenty of other things on my mind when I started writing this, but I can't remember half of them anymore. I remember that some of them were related to my last blog entry, but but, can't remember more, so I'll just write a new entry when I remember what I was going to write.
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The time to let go, the time to keep it inside, the time to unleash it all
July 28th, 2008
When is the right time for all that?
When is the right time to let everything go? To keep it all inside? Unleash it all, no matter who and how much it hurts?
I've been pondering about that lately, too much for my liking. I've been thinking if I've made the right decisions in the last few months, if my decisions were even relevant, could things that now happened be avoided had I chosen otherwise? I don't know.
I've taken a good grip of myself in the past couple months, but it has a price too. The decisions I've made during that time may have ended a period in my life which I've enjoyed the most, the period where I was truly happy inside - this is something I didn't foresee.
I've been thinking if the decisions I've made were good or not, the short term effects at least are catastrophic, but long term? I don't know. I don't have my engagement ring anymore, I don't know if I'm living here alone in a week, or is my love still here by my side.
I don't know, which is the worst thing I can imagine. Not knowing, it hurts, it hurts more than anything. What if I had chosen to do things differently, would I still feel good, would I still be happy inside and not only outside? Would I be with the one I love now, would I in a year?
Those answers can never be answered, there's no save/load buttons in life no matter how useful they could be.
So what did I do? Is it even relevant? I made things that caused her to lose her confidence in that she could trust me. Would I rather undo them? Probably, but I'm not sure if it would still fix anything.
After talking to few good old friends of mine, they said what I did was what anyone would have done in the same position, she was the one who caused me to do those things, they said.
If I had chosen to do them and keep it to myself, what then, would I still be here in a year and having them still burning my insides out?
That's what I've always done, it has always ended up in tears sooner or later, but this time I think it still might have been better choice, at least for myself. Why? Because the decisions made brought up things I had forgotten, things I thought were the past, things I thought I
had gotten rid of nearly ten years ago.
Yet here they are again, and I don't know what to do anymore, I don't want them back, I don't want the pills back either. Some of my good friends didn't want them ever, they're not here anymore. Am I here tomorrow if I don't go on the same painful road I took nearly ten years ago? I don't know.
Why am I writing this here? I don't know that either, really, I only know that what ever happens to me in future, I at least tried to put my thoughts down, clear it in my own head, clear it with my friends, clear it with who ever might read this and know me. Was writing here wise? Probably not.
Of course this doesn't really tell anyone anything, this is just words on a screen, with no real point in them, there's no thread to follow, there's no real answers or even questions of what actually did happen.
Heck, I don't know if I now re-read this if I understood what I just wrote myself anymore.
But it all still comes down to the topic - how do you know it's the time to let go, the time to keep it inside, the time to unleash it all?
And what if you picked the wrong one?
When is the right time for all that?
When is the right time to let everything go? To keep it all inside? Unleash it all, no matter who and how much it hurts?
I've been pondering about that lately, too much for my liking. I've been thinking if I've made the right decisions in the last few months, if my decisions were even relevant, could things that now happened be avoided had I chosen otherwise? I don't know.
I've taken a good grip of myself in the past couple months, but it has a price too. The decisions I've made during that time may have ended a period in my life which I've enjoyed the most, the period where I was truly happy inside - this is something I didn't foresee.
I've been thinking if the decisions I've made were good or not, the short term effects at least are catastrophic, but long term? I don't know. I don't have my engagement ring anymore, I don't know if I'm living here alone in a week, or is my love still here by my side.
I don't know, which is the worst thing I can imagine. Not knowing, it hurts, it hurts more than anything. What if I had chosen to do things differently, would I still feel good, would I still be happy inside and not only outside? Would I be with the one I love now, would I in a year?
Those answers can never be answered, there's no save/load buttons in life no matter how useful they could be.
So what did I do? Is it even relevant? I made things that caused her to lose her confidence in that she could trust me. Would I rather undo them? Probably, but I'm not sure if it would still fix anything.
After talking to few good old friends of mine, they said what I did was what anyone would have done in the same position, she was the one who caused me to do those things, they said.
If I had chosen to do them and keep it to myself, what then, would I still be here in a year and having them still burning my insides out?
That's what I've always done, it has always ended up in tears sooner or later, but this time I think it still might have been better choice, at least for myself. Why? Because the decisions made brought up things I had forgotten, things I thought were the past, things I thought I
had gotten rid of nearly ten years ago.
Yet here they are again, and I don't know what to do anymore, I don't want them back, I don't want the pills back either. Some of my good friends didn't want them ever, they're not here anymore. Am I here tomorrow if I don't go on the same painful road I took nearly ten years ago? I don't know.
Why am I writing this here? I don't know that either, really, I only know that what ever happens to me in future, I at least tried to put my thoughts down, clear it in my own head, clear it with my friends, clear it with who ever might read this and know me. Was writing here wise? Probably not.
Of course this doesn't really tell anyone anything, this is just words on a screen, with no real point in them, there's no thread to follow, there's no real answers or even questions of what actually did happen.
Heck, I don't know if I now re-read this if I understood what I just wrote myself anymore.
But it all still comes down to the topic - how do you know it's the time to let go, the time to keep it inside, the time to unleash it all?
And what if you picked the wrong one?
A world without the techings of a fairytale
October 25th, 2007
I thought this might be an interesting thing to post here - it's a translation of an short essay-ish answer I made for school once.
There was few subjects to choose from, I picked "A world without the teaching of a fairytale"
Please note, that english isn't my native language and some things might be hard for me to translate so they would actually still make sense after it, but I'll try my best.
---
A world without the teaching of a fairytale.
Worlds perhaps the most famous fairytale books, the Bibles Sermon of the Mount, one of the tales main characters, Jesus, suggested people to turn the other cheek too. "You have been taught: Eye for an eye and teeth for an teeth; but I tell you: don't resist the evil." In the modern world, however, that particular teaching has been forgotten by most people. Why, one might ask, and the answer is really simple - because Bible is just another fairytale book among the rest, where imaginary character gives people virtuous tips.
Many tales are full of great tips and teachings, but they're followed quite sparsely today. Maybe the reason is forgetting the childhood tales, maybe the sinful, wretched world of today, kill or get killed.
Regardless of the reasons, world has developed to be a rough place to live in, and the virtuous teachings from childhood don't really help one at all, when everyone else is playing by their own rules.
Darwin was right, the nature makes the choices, the strong survive, the weak extinct. Good manners can be used as tools in certain situations, but in a longer view, you'll only notice yourself getting pushed by countless elbows to behind the whole queue if you only trust in those manners.
In many situations, turning that famous 'other cheek' is no doubt a good choice, based on so called 'good moral' it would probably be the right choice always, but as sad as it is, you don't get far in this reality with only good manners.
A wise man once said: Turn the other cheek, but only to gain more time to hit back; how damn right he was.
The winners of the life's endless race are the strongest of all - though in most cases this has nothing to do with physical strength, it's about mental strength, cunningness and pure selfishness, the skill to turn even the smallest set backs to victories for yourself.
I never read the bible thoroughly or with thought, it's in my opinion overrated fairytale collection - if I want to read tales, I turn to Grimm brothers or some other fictional literature, even if most wouldn't conceive them as fairytales. Due this, I can't do nothing but wonder why on this course, one of the given subjects for the essay(ish thingy) was one religions one teaching, from a small fragment of the fairytale book filled with plagiarized stories from other religions. I don't judge anyone by their beliefs, but many times one can notice how blind faith only makes you ridicilous in others eyes - and at the same time pushes you rolling down life's stairs - Good - one person less in my way competing for the spot in the sun.
As unfortunate as it is, you can't pity the weak, the weak have to build their hard shell and use their own elbows to ram their way towards the light, through the others left behind, hoping it's not too late to get up from the deepest abysses where everyone living by only good manners will eventually fall.
Getting more or less out of the subject seems to be natural for me, but in the other hand, the given subject was quite weak for any longer story of worlds status, good manners and following or not following them.
I've driven myself to the corner - there's no way to stretch this essay(ish) rambling any longer without making it pure insult towards certain unnamed religion; I don't want to go that road, insulting something I see as ridicilous religion just because I don't believe in it.
Where does this essay(ish) mumbling end up in?
Probably lost in the byte space among other trashes, but hopefully only after it has at least woken few thoughts up about where the world has come to, and especially (my) view of life.
I thought this might be an interesting thing to post here - it's a translation of an short essay-ish answer I made for school once.
There was few subjects to choose from, I picked "A world without the teaching of a fairytale"
Please note, that english isn't my native language and some things might be hard for me to translate so they would actually still make sense after it, but I'll try my best.
---
A world without the teaching of a fairytale.
Worlds perhaps the most famous fairytale books, the Bibles Sermon of the Mount, one of the tales main characters, Jesus, suggested people to turn the other cheek too. "You have been taught: Eye for an eye and teeth for an teeth; but I tell you: don't resist the evil." In the modern world, however, that particular teaching has been forgotten by most people. Why, one might ask, and the answer is really simple - because Bible is just another fairytale book among the rest, where imaginary character gives people virtuous tips.
Many tales are full of great tips and teachings, but they're followed quite sparsely today. Maybe the reason is forgetting the childhood tales, maybe the sinful, wretched world of today, kill or get killed.
Regardless of the reasons, world has developed to be a rough place to live in, and the virtuous teachings from childhood don't really help one at all, when everyone else is playing by their own rules.
Darwin was right, the nature makes the choices, the strong survive, the weak extinct. Good manners can be used as tools in certain situations, but in a longer view, you'll only notice yourself getting pushed by countless elbows to behind the whole queue if you only trust in those manners.
In many situations, turning that famous 'other cheek' is no doubt a good choice, based on so called 'good moral' it would probably be the right choice always, but as sad as it is, you don't get far in this reality with only good manners.
A wise man once said: Turn the other cheek, but only to gain more time to hit back; how damn right he was.
The winners of the life's endless race are the strongest of all - though in most cases this has nothing to do with physical strength, it's about mental strength, cunningness and pure selfishness, the skill to turn even the smallest set backs to victories for yourself.
I never read the bible thoroughly or with thought, it's in my opinion overrated fairytale collection - if I want to read tales, I turn to Grimm brothers or some other fictional literature, even if most wouldn't conceive them as fairytales. Due this, I can't do nothing but wonder why on this course, one of the given subjects for the essay(ish thingy) was one religions one teaching, from a small fragment of the fairytale book filled with plagiarized stories from other religions. I don't judge anyone by their beliefs, but many times one can notice how blind faith only makes you ridicilous in others eyes - and at the same time pushes you rolling down life's stairs - Good - one person less in my way competing for the spot in the sun.
As unfortunate as it is, you can't pity the weak, the weak have to build their hard shell and use their own elbows to ram their way towards the light, through the others left behind, hoping it's not too late to get up from the deepest abysses where everyone living by only good manners will eventually fall.
Getting more or less out of the subject seems to be natural for me, but in the other hand, the given subject was quite weak for any longer story of worlds status, good manners and following or not following them.
I've driven myself to the corner - there's no way to stretch this essay(ish) rambling any longer without making it pure insult towards certain unnamed religion; I don't want to go that road, insulting something I see as ridicilous religion just because I don't believe in it.
Where does this essay(ish) mumbling end up in?
Probably lost in the byte space among other trashes, but hopefully only after it has at least woken few thoughts up about where the world has come to, and especially (my) view of life.
A Perfect Night?
October 10th, 2007
Photoshop, head full of ideas, all night time to work on it - nothing could go wrong, right?
Well, no. Everything could.
And all due one thing, more annoying than anything I've ever faced in my life - atopic excema.
I spent a week in hospital recently due bad infection - getting antibiotics straight to vein and driving me out of my mind of boredom. That's when things actually went bad - my atopic excema started to get worse there, but I declined the possibility to go to skin disease specialist since at that point everything looked still quite normal, it goes from good to worse every now and then.
I get home, things continue quite normally when I get back to my own creams and lotions for my skin, still eating antibiotics, pills this time though.
But then, all hell breaks loose - it has never been this bad for what I can remember - not even couple years ago when I spent nearly a month in the hospital due it.
The skin is dead - dry flakes all over, and it hurts, hurts like hell to even move slightest bit - and here I'm supposed to work on my ideas on photoshop when every inch moving my mouse hurts :(
Oh well, at least it's getting a bit better from what it was couple days ago, but still, this is painful - I took a shower yesterday morning - oh my, was that a mistake - pouring salt to open wound would be heaven compared to what it felt like - and like always, it caused the skin to dry even more.
Doctor tomorrow.. .no, this morning since it's 5.42 AM here - but that's for the infection checkup, not the skin - hopefully there's some doctor in the skin policlinic available to take a look on me, though it's unlikely, but I need something new for this, something to fix me before I lose it all.
Be grateful if you're even relatively healthy - atopic excema is hell.
To look things on the brightside, my girlfriend doesn't seem to be taking stress over my condition - only I am from the two of us, let's see if her opnions on it hold now that she's going to spend next week and a half straight here next to me, she saw this when it was almost at it's worst, but that was only a day.
Photoshop, head full of ideas, all night time to work on it - nothing could go wrong, right?
Well, no. Everything could.
And all due one thing, more annoying than anything I've ever faced in my life - atopic excema.
I spent a week in hospital recently due bad infection - getting antibiotics straight to vein and driving me out of my mind of boredom. That's when things actually went bad - my atopic excema started to get worse there, but I declined the possibility to go to skin disease specialist since at that point everything looked still quite normal, it goes from good to worse every now and then.
I get home, things continue quite normally when I get back to my own creams and lotions for my skin, still eating antibiotics, pills this time though.
But then, all hell breaks loose - it has never been this bad for what I can remember - not even couple years ago when I spent nearly a month in the hospital due it.
The skin is dead - dry flakes all over, and it hurts, hurts like hell to even move slightest bit - and here I'm supposed to work on my ideas on photoshop when every inch moving my mouse hurts :(
Oh well, at least it's getting a bit better from what it was couple days ago, but still, this is painful - I took a shower yesterday morning - oh my, was that a mistake - pouring salt to open wound would be heaven compared to what it felt like - and like always, it caused the skin to dry even more.
Doctor tomorrow.. .no, this morning since it's 5.42 AM here - but that's for the infection checkup, not the skin - hopefully there's some doctor in the skin policlinic available to take a look on me, though it's unlikely, but I need something new for this, something to fix me before I lose it all.
Be grateful if you're even relatively healthy - atopic excema is hell.
To look things on the brightside, my girlfriend doesn't seem to be taking stress over my condition - only I am from the two of us, let's see if her opnions on it hold now that she's going to spend next week and a half straight here next to me, she saw this when it was almost at it's worst, but that was only a day.
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